Speaking in the House

View from the dreaded stand. Don't ever take pictures at church.

It's Friday night. For all of us in Mormondom, there's a chance you might be speaking in church on Sunday. You've known about it for two weeks. You've been thinking about/avoiding your topic for that long. If you are an A-type person, you will have already written your talk and you will be revising it tomorrow. For the rest of us, it's crunch time.

Tomorrow is all about shutting yourself in your office and surfing the internet while trying to force yourself into writing your talk. Make sure you scream at anyone who dares interrupt you. I'm here to help you with my not-foolproof rules for talk writing. I'm not an expert. I've tried this formula exactly once.

1. The talk will have three major parts. Intro, middle parts, conclusion.
2. The intro should say what you want to say, the middle should say it, and the conclusion should say what you just said.
3. Name each part and write a sentence describing it. Check out some written conference talks because they all do this.
4. Start with a story about yourself doing something universal, like fixing dinner or driving somewhere. Don't finish the story.
5. Segue the story into the topic of the talk. Good luck, because the segue can make or break it. Think outside the box. In my last talk, the story was about swimming and my talk was about the Holy Ghost, so I compared practicing swimming with practicing listening. Henry Eyring is especially good at this.
6. Introduce a "catchphrase." This and the stories are the only things people will remember. Make it short and to the point. Feel free to steal the catchphrase from a conference talk with proper credit given.
7. Define the topic you are discussing in the intro. I like to use Gospel Principles to make sure everybody is on the same page. It is simple and thorough.
8. Now it is time for the body of the talk. Divide that into three sections. Name each section with a descriptive sentence to break up the paragraphs.
9. First section should be a scripture story illustrating your point. You can read certain scriptures but tell the story in your own words. Nobody listens to read scriptures. Make sure to refer to your intro topic.
10. If you have a scripture you want to emphasize, introduce it in the beginning and continue to return to it. It could even be your catchphrase.
11. The second section should be a current example that you found from a church source, like the Ensign or the conference talk you were assigned. You can use two or three of these examples to flesh your talk out. Again, make sure to refer to your catchphrase or intro topic.
12. The third section should be about you. This is the part where you start crying if you are a crier. I'm not. It should be about what you do to live this principle and a story to illustrate. If you are a heathen and have no examples, you can use relatives. Everybody has a grandpa.
13. At the conclusion, tie up the example you started with in the beginning, and then refer to it when reviewing your material.
14. Bear testimony of topic, of course.

There are a couple of other things. Congregations like it when you refer to them. Assume their intelligence but then explain stuff anyway. Say stuff like, "As I'm sure you already know..." and "I know most of you do this already...". Be as self-deprecating as possible without looking like an idiot.

Never, ever begin your talk by announcing how much you hate speaking. It immediately turns off the congregation. If you don't want to be there, then why should they listen to you? You can confess nervousness, but stay positive.

Now I am going to post this and then think of all of the things I forgot. Apparently I've got a lot to say about it. I'm sure the comments will fill in the blanks. We're all experts, right?

Good luck tomorrow, Jodie. I'm still mad that you moved out of our ward.