Originally posted on 11/6/07.
The Gong Show aired during my television prime, 1976 to 1978 when I was six to eight years old. It featured amateur acts of varying excellence. If an act was especially bad, it was Gonged by a panel of judges and the performers had to leave the stage. Winners won $516 dollars. Dana Plato was featured on the Gong Show, as well as RuPaul and Paul Reubens. I've always wanted to be a Gonger in real life. It would give me great personal satisfaction to Gong anything not meeting my standards.
For the Gentile's benefit (that means you Lauren and Tiff): In my terrific and wonderful church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have the privilege of sharing and listening to each other's testimonies once a month. It is usually a very spiritual meeting during which our beliefs are strengthened. However, sometimes people become distracted from the purpose of the meeting. There is nothing anyone can really do when someone becomes distracted from the purpose of the meeting, so this is one time when I wish I had a Gong. One of the great leaders of my church, James Faust, once said
There are four absolutes about which it is always appropriate for us to testify:
The first is that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior, the Mediator and Redeemer of the world.
The second is that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and reestablished the Church of Christ upon the earth with its keys and authority.
The third is that all of the Presidents of the Church since Joseph Smith have been successors in that power and authority.
The fourth is that President Gordon B. Hinckley is the only prophet of God upon the earth, holding all of the keys, powers, and authorities of the Church in the earth today.
The first is that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior, the Mediator and Redeemer of the world.
The second is that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and reestablished the Church of Christ upon the earth with its keys and authority.
The third is that all of the Presidents of the Church since Joseph Smith have been successors in that power and authority.
The fourth is that President Gordon B. Hinckley is the only prophet of God upon the earth, holding all of the keys, powers, and authorities of the Church in the earth today.
Testimony Meeting Gong Candidates:
- "I'm very grateful I graduated from the Pornography 12-Step Program." Did we really need to know that?
- "I'd like to sing a song illustrating the lessons I have learned. Let me just get my guitar." Ack. Unrehearsed singing AND a non-church approved instrument.
- "I've prepared a few notes for my testimony today." Oh boy, we are going to be here a while.
- "I'd like to publicly profess my undying love for my...." Save it for Hallmark, buddy.
- "I know we are out of time but..." Out of time means you're too late.
- "My mom paid me five dollars to stand before you today." Yeah, that is pretty sincere.
- "I challenge all other members of my class to get up here. That would be...." Nothing like a little forced spirituality.
- "I hope Sister so-and-so doesn't mind me telling this story." Maybe you should ask her before you do, then.
- "Ever since we started drinking/smoking/partying..." Please save the confessions for the privacy of the Bishop's office.
- "I was reading this sacrilegious girl Celia Fae's blog the other day..." Is this going to be the one that puts my membership in jeopardy?
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49 comments:
Please note that this blog has been pre-screened by me, so Celia does not get exed. Obviously, I am the arbiter of all things spiritual here. You should have seen it before...
Amen...
Can we do the gong for sacrament time? Like turn your cell phone off. No, don't answer your cell phone. No, don't have a conversation explaining why you can't talk. Just don't.
I think I'm going to write a letter to the first presidency and see if we really can adopt this fabulous idea of the gong in testimony meeting. Why didn't I think of this before!? Inspiring!
Celia---i LOVED the gong show! this was a funny post!
Please add: I'd like to testify that the LDS elders that came to my house didn't even clutch their pearls when they saw the devil's juice (tequila) on my kitchen counter the day they came by my house! (ooops :)
p.s. Paige, send me the rough draft! ;)
That really is a good idea! And we could also Gong the people who get up every single testimony meeting, before they even say a word! And how about for meetings that go to long, or firesides, or talks? The possibilites are ENDLESS!!
If I have ever invited someone to church, the first Sunday of the month is the day I DON'T. But I sure DO on the Primary Program Day. Best Sunday of the year.
I just want the gong to go the minute, nay the second church (or anything, really) is supposed to be over. My subsequent thoughts are not appropriate for publishing.
Whatever happened to the red light blinking on the pulpit...I think that needs to come back...except that it should also give out a little shock when you have gone over.
I agree with the red light needing to make a comeback!!!!!!!!!! Sac. Meeting today was especially rough and difficult for me to get through and that is all I will say on the subject!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am laughing so hard right now beause I can hear it now......
The red light is still there, people. Nobody pays any attention to it. Obviously it needs to be stronger.
I'm thinking about making a little deal with the guy who controls the microphone. I could do favors for him. He'd like that.
He's my husband, all of you sickos.
I know I've heard at least half of these from the pulpit, probably when we lived in LA. That ward had a woman who got up to talk and started to disrobe (unfortunately, I missed seeing that one in person). These Gong candidates are especially hard to take with Fast Sunday low blood sugar.
EVERYONE could comment on this post. There was a lady who "came out" in Fast Meeting! It wasn't fast enough for me.
Do you play testimony meeting Bingo? You label the card with all the people in the ward. Someone is always the free square. There is one in every ward. And now the only thing I need to say to Lenore for her to understand someone's personality is "She's the free square."
They should replace any flashing red lights with a simple trap door operated by the Deacons. I'n sure they would be very strict in enforcing all time and subject rules.
My favorite was when a woman in a long-ago ward got up and shared how the Spirit had told her that she needed to change her 12-year-old son's name to Matthew. They did. The problem was that they already had a son named Matthew. True story.
You forgot my favorite one.. "I wasn't going to get up here today (sniff, sniff)..." YEAH RIGHT!!! You get up every freaking Fast Sunday! Sit down already! Sheesh, drives me crazy.
Oh the horrors that is fast sunday. I dread it every month. I'm SO with you on the gong idea. There'd be people that I'd gong before they even got to the microphone.
This is my favorite post. I like your idea of the gong. I have NEVER heard of a red light before. Where have I been?
There is a gal in our ward who goes up EVERY SINGLE fast sunday. One time she read lyrics to a song. That was her tetimony. Lyrics. Oh, and there's nothing worse than someone breaking out in song. I get so embarassed for them.
Seriously, this is the greatest. I'm laughing my head off.
p.s. my profile pic sucks. I'm doing a different one.
To clarify Ellie -- I am not the free square. In fact, I am not even on the Bingo board.
You could maybe teach the ward organist a little "wrap it up" tune, like the ones they play at the end of sitcoms when they're teaching you a message. It would be polite. "Ahem, you're done now. Ahem."
If you ever talk in church and during your GD lesson, people are just going to think about gonging you.
It is such a new experience to be referred to as a gentile.
I would only want to "gong" someone at synagogue when a Bar or Bat Mitzvah kid is doing an especially bad job on their Torah portion. Though, that would be really mean since they are awkward and 13.
One of my favorite testimonies comes from my pal who was talking about how sacrament meeting can be a bit distracting with the baby, the 3 year old, and her husband busy texting. She didn't mean to let that one slip out. The bishop turned pretty red from laughing. Her husband was mortified but ended up getting a text from someone in the ward that said, "U 2?"
I don't think he will be texting any more during church for awhile at least.
The confessimony is the worst. I just put my head down and keep busy coloring with my kids and pretend I'm somewhere else. Maybe the reason people get off track is BECAUSE their blood sugar is off from fasting. Just a theory.
My least favorite is the I am going to keep rambling on with the most pointless storimony.
Oh my gosh, you totally had me going...I was DYING thinking those were real scenarios you listed. Fast Sunday is such a split for me because some people are SO genuine and they strengthen my own testimony so much. And then there are totally the people that need the GONG TO THEIR HEAD! Ahhh...what are they thinking. Sad for them. Great post. I love it!!
Yesterday, there was the most AWKWARD testimony in our ward. Some girl got up, and promptly started BAWLING, and then said she had some quotes she wanted to share. Me, thinking a- that's not a testimony, but b- ok, I guess you read something in the Ensign or something didn't immediately get up and gong her. It wasn't until she started sharing some of the "kids say the darndest things" like about grapes, and other crap that had nothing to do with the spirit, was I wishing that I had gonged 5 minutes earlier.
I really look forward to testimony meeting. I like the spirit and the spontaneity of it. What sends me to the hallway (with a naughty child as my excuse) are the right wing Lehites who share the truthfulness of the Republican party, George Bush, and the war.
I loved this post and loved the comments even more. But what I love the most: the guy who read from a book (which he wrote, and was published) during his sacrament meeting closing prayer. Yes, he paused while saying the prayer, opened the book and read an excerpt, then continued to pray.
Maybe not relevant since it's not about sharing his testimony (though it was on F&T sunday), but...for free square wierdness that dude always takes the cake.
We had an espcially sweet child filled testimony meeting yesterday. One of them was one of Lorena's triplets(she might post on it so I won't say too much.) It was so sweet. I was looking down until I heard the voice that at first, I thought was Lorena on helium! The kids really know how to do it, short and to the point!
I once sat through a homosexual joke in a tesimony meeting.
I'm so late on this post but IT WAS GREAT.
We had a singer-of-testimonies in the ward I grew up in. Bad news.
How about the guy in my ward who used to somehow always describe food as part of his testimony (which he bore EVERY MONTH) while we were all dying of starvation.
Since I'm part of the Gentile crowd as well, I don't have any testimoy stories to share. But if you want to hear Bible study "convictions" (evangelical Christian equivalent), I'm sure I could come up with a few.
At last, a good thing about going to church in a language you barely understand!
Where do you guys go to church?!! Just kidding. I am with Ellie, this is perfect material for "Testimony Bingo"!
I had to give a lesson in RS on testimonies once and almost got chased out of the room. Be careful because some people are fiercely defensive of their right to the thank-imonies, the song-imonies, etc. I was a little freaked out.
Oh Sally, I believe that book was SELF published! Not the same, but he is hilarious.
Lorena told me she just HAD to read me your latest post. I found it quite amusing.
My brother and I used to wager on the over/under for how long it would take people to start crying during their testimonies. ("I'm sorry for always crying like this when I come up here." You're sorry?!)
We would also include bets for which of the stand-bys would bear testimony that month. (You could generally count on Glenna the Gorilla...a "lovely" sister in our ward.) We were very reverent.
On Sunday, there was a Young Man that bore his testimony of how much he loved his parents. Very sweet, but then at the ended he added, "I figured I should tell them, because...ya know, they might DIE soon."
ouch. :)
I haven't heard one yet that beats the recently returned missionary who testified that he was sure he could see the 2nd and 3rd generation members skin lighten because of their acceptance of the gospel. NO ONE wanted to look at each other. I was SO embarrassed for him!
At first you were referring to me as a gentile...heh, heh, heh...You have more than one Lauren friend that is Jewish? What are the odds?
At first you were referring to me as a gentile...heh, heh, heh...You have more than one Lauren friend that is Jewish? What are the odds?
Ha ha ha ha ha!!! This one is a true classic! Boy, can I recall a few Testimonies we needed a gong for! For more info, you can speak with me privately on that one.......
I love testimony meeting. Ours was yesterday and probably 75% of the people were up there because they were coerced by their friend, child, spouse, etc. They made sure to tell us all about it. I especially love little kids testimonies. They are the most sincere and open about their beliefs. I agree though, sometimes I would kill for a 'gong'. (Can I use it BEFORE 'Sr. So and So' even starts? Please?)
One of my recent favorites was the lady in our ward who sang all four verses of "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen......." from the pulpit.
(Hi. found your blog through my sis-in-law Nancy-Ellie's sis-in-law. I've been reading for a while now. hope you don't mind. you're hilarious.)
In my brother's ward, the bishop assigned a couple very spiritual sisters to be waiting in the wings to jump up and bear their "good" testimonies right after a really awful one is done.
Loved this post! I am a big fan of testimony meeting. You just never know what you're gonna get.
I know I haven't updated in awhile but did you have to remove me entirely from your sidebar? (sniff, sniff)
I love testimony meeting. The only really bad one I can recall was over 20 years ago when a visitor to our ward bore his "testimony" that the reason he was getting a divorce was because his wife was a victim of incest. Her parents just happened to live in our ward. The Bishop immediately ushered him out. Interestingly, her father bore his testimony, which was beautiful and very sincere and very appropriate, right before the wingnut got him. The Dad said he felt so strongly that he needed to be the first one up at this meeting. Personally, I don't believe a word the wingnut said and think nothing less of the wife's family.
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