Phake Phone Phear

One of the most underutilized tools in parenting today is the telephone. The telephone can release parents of obligation and responsibility better than any other tool. It is merely a question of who to call.

Kids are used to having their parents talk on the phone, so much so that most babies have their own little play telephones. When a child is about three, he is ready for Phake Phone Phear.

Let's say a child is toilet trained but doesn't like to wash his hands. Remind him often of the reasons why he must wash his hands and if he continues to protest, happily suggest that you are going to call the Center for Disease Prevention and Control (they like it when you use the official name) and tell them that you have a child who won't wash his hands. If this doesn't impress him, then pick up the phone and start dialing a fake number. Have a conversation like this:

Hello, this is Celia Ashcroft, may I speak with the person in charge of disease control? Thank you....... Hi, I have a child who is three years old and he won't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. Is this okay?...........(pretend to listen) Yes, he is a big boy who wears underpants. Mmmhmmm..........Yes...............Okay. Okay, thank you. Yes, I'll tell him. Thanks for your time. Bye.

Hang up and then tell him in official sounding language that the woman at the CDPC says he must wash his hands blah blah blah. I promise, he'll be impressed and you will deflect some of the conflict away from yourself. Just be careful he doesn't get too OCD with the hand washing.

Some other Phake Phone calls you can make are to

1. Primary teacher (Claire won't come for family prayer)


2. School teacher (Henry doesn't want to do his 20 minutes of reading)


3. Police officer (Bea won't sit in her car seat)


4. Doctor (Max won't wash his face)


5. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or any made up fairy you can think of (any offense)


6. Grandma (Alice doesn't want her hair done)


7. Daddy (doesn't work at our house due to Daddy softness)


8. Dentist (Fiona eats too much candy)


9. House cleaners (Sol pees on the toilet seat)

The trick is to have a pleasant and realistic conversation with the Phake Phone Person. It doesn't need to be threatening. Save the threatening Phake Phone calls for more serious offenses like

1. Jail (boys who steal things)


2. Foster care (girls who don't appreciate their mothers and use hateful words)


3. Psychologist (boys who hurt each other)


4. Satan (girls who lie to their aunties)

You'll find that this technique works for most children of most ages. After a few Phake Phone calls, all you have to do is reach for the phone and the behavior changes. Good luck, and let me know if you call anyone interesting. We parents need to stick together.