Pew or Booth?

Pews are ubiquitous to Christianity. In some churches, you can actually purchase a pew for the family and own the deed to the pew. These pews are passed down through the generations. Just think, you'd never have to wonder where you were sitting.

In my church, we sit in pews during our congregational meeting. The pews are general admission, first come, first served. Or so you'd think. It is interesting to note that most people in Sacrament meeting sit in the same area or even same pews every week. I suggest that a lot can be discerned about a person depending on where they sit in church. In our chapel, the guys in charge sit on the stand facing the people. They sit on the right and the pulpit is in the middle. The sacrament table is also on the right. Speakers and the organist are to the left of the pulpit.

• The people who sit on the right, in plain view of the guys on the stand, are the Brownnosers. I like to sit there. That way, I can make faces at the people who are sitting on the stand. They especially like it when I make throat slashing signs when a speaker goes too long. I am joined by other brownnosers who want to see and be seen by the people in front. My favorite pew is the one on the last row because the overflow curtain hides all of the naughty things my children are doing from the people in back of us.
• The Perps are also found in the pews on the right in the very front. They are the people who miss the sacrament but are not too ashamed to make the Perp Walk to the very front and occupy the places left by the deacons. I admire the Perps' bravery.
• The front middle section is occupied by Einsteins. They tend to be over-achievers and they always arrive early so they can get their premium real estate. One of these families lives near me, and sometimes from my front window I can see their car leaving. Usually nobody in my house is wearing shoes yet and I know that I am going to be late.
• Next we have the back middle section. These people aren't the braniacs of the front middle section, but they manage to arrive at church early enough to score a prime spot. I call them the Politicians. Not too close, not too far away, mainstream but not overeager. This seems like an ideal pew until you find yourself sitting with another family on the long bench and your kids think it is playtime.
• The final section in the front is the left side pews, in front of the organ. Usually the musicians sit here, but there is one another species that occupies this section. I call them the Pious People. They aren't posturing, they sit close enough to hear the speaker, they don't plan on making a lot of exits. Someday when I am old I think I will sit with the Pious. It looks a little boring for now. Maybe those people are secretly playing with their Blackberry's and don't want anyone to notice.
• Back section, front row. This is also a coveted spot. There is plenty of leg room, and you don't have to step on any one's toes when you are leaving. Those that sit in these pews are the Front Row Joes. They aren't trying to impress anyone, they just want to be comfortable. I can't say that I blame them.
• Next is my favorite, the Runners. They sit by the doors and are prepared to make a break for it if needed. They aren't sure they really want to be there and will be leaving as soon as they can. Usually the missionaries, Elder Pew and Elder Booth (no kidding), sit by the Runners so they can catch them before they leave. It is a good thing our missionaries are young so they can run fast.
• Finally, we have the Hall Monitors. This is a very important place to be because you can open and close doors, play with babies, and discuss important church matters. Hall Monitors tend to begin church in one of the pews but end up in the halls. Look for me there if I'm not in my brownnose spot, especially if the meeting is boring or painful.

If I was going to build a pew specifically for my family, I think I would build a booth.