Ailments That Occur For Three Hours Every Sunday
- Bread Breath - Chronic condition that requires gum and/or breath mints immediately following consumption of the tiniest bit of bread. Bread Breath is especially prevalent on Fast Sunday.
- Sunday School Adult ADD - Adults who cannot open their scriptures and frequently leave the classroom are often impaired with this condition.
- Preaching Palsy - Manifests itself when public speaking is about to occur. Especially noticable when speaker is holding a miniature cup of water about ten minutes before speech is to begin.
- Nodding Narcolepsy - Brought about by excessive droning, heat, fatigue, or combinations thereof. Though rare, drool and snoring can occur.
- RSVD (Relief Society Verbal Diarrhea) - Occurs when a RS member overshares during the comment portion of the lesson. Includes but is not limited to stories about fornication, divorce, and personal sin.
- EQuad - Paralyzation of an Elder's Quorum member's arms and legs, rendering it impossible to raise a hand to answer a question.
- Classroom Claustrophobia - Frequently occurs in Primary teachers making it impossible to remain in a crowded classroom with any number of restless children. Nursery teachers are especially susceptible.
- Organitis - Afflicts organists and pianists equally. Symptoms include failing to hit the right notes and accidentally pressing keys during quiet periods like prayers. Often accompanied by laughing children and smirking adults.
- YW/YM Hyperactivity Disorder - Noticed during any interaction between Young Women and Young Men. See also "excessive perspiration."
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27 comments:
Personally, I love RSVD. It's what makes coming to church worth it. It's even better in Sac Mtg, but most people know better.
You forgot the most important part of the LDS hospital...the waiting room that is always crowded with people. (Some may call it the foyer.)
VD is RAMPANT in my ward.
He he.
I LOVE Ellie's comment. Hilarious post.
We have three women with chronic RSVD in our ward. Way too much information comes out. Never a dull moment.
I like your blog makeover.
My favorite is the BIG, HUGE HEADACHE that suddenly comes on Sunday morning and miraculous goes away when the family goes to church.
I think I had a case of the Preaching Palsy a few Sundays ago when we had to speak in Sacrament. My husband gets the Nodding Narcolepsy every Sacrament meeting between the ward business and the passing of the bread. Like clockwork.
Which ailment do you have?
I'm with Paige on the headache...sadly it occurs on most fast sundays.
Great post Celia Fae!
Funny post.
My young teenage son was visiting with the doctor and mentioned he had headaches every Sunday. The doctor asked him what was different about sundays, he told the doctor that he goes to church for 3 hours. The doctor looked at me in all seriousness and told me I shouldn't take my son to church anymore. It was a response my son wasn't expecting, but kind of liked. Then the doctor busted up laughing. "I'm LDS too and yes, you have to go to church!" Then he just suggested going to bed a little earlier on Saturday night. Problem solved.
So so true. We had a recent plague of RSVD where not one, not two, but three sisters shared experiences about transvestites. Don't you wish you were in my ward?
So, so, so true! Now, that I am servng in Young Women I have noticed some SERIOUS cases of #9. Oh, and bread breath...especially on Fast Sunday is a problem that I have...but, don't worry, I am not in denial...especially since my youngest, Brian, is quick to point out how bad my breath is.
RSVD is the best! If I allowed myself to write "lol" I would write it here.
You forgot the annual fall Primary Presidency nervous breakdown...usually occurs right before the primary program.
Too funny. One time a girl in my singles ward gave a "Shout out and a holla'" to her girlfriends and then proceeded to bare her testimony about how grateful she was that she wasn't bulimic, because she is grateful she is so skinny and doesn't have to throw everything up. And she kept going...I think it was a condition called testimony diarrehea. It just kept coming and getting worse and worse...
I suffer from Sunday School Adult ADD...it was brought on by too many years in the fast paced world of primary. I don't think I sat longer than 10 minutes on a given Sunday for the whole 4 years I was in there.
This comment is not relevant to your dead on, funny post. What follows is a minor rant that you are (un)lucky enough to be privy too - I was called to be the Nursery leader yesterday, despite pointing out that 1) nursery is my daily life, 2) Issac is not old enough to be in the nursery and Kenny can only watch him for one of the two hours (their solution was to enlist the aid of some random ward member - someone I don't know - to watch him), 3) there are exactly 2 people in the whole ward who play the piano - me being one of them - and primary is singing to a CD, 4) because I am a stay at home mom, church is my only opportunity to practice Spanish and have adult interaction - I'm so bugged - I said yes, but am thinking of changing my mind - is that allowed?
this is why we should all become methodist. or baptist. or catholic? ah, never mind. i suppose every congregation has their own set of ailments. what's the one called where your kids have various wounds from being beaten by their mother on the pew???
this was sooo good. i have you on bloglines now so i can always get my fill.
Linsey's comment bummed me out!! Why oh why do they call young moms into nursery!?!? It's my biggest pet peeve! Just say no, Linsey!
May I add the "mini date"-where you and your husband take advantage of the fact that all your kids are safely in class, and you go to the nearest 7-11 for a diet coke?
Oh this is just a classic posting!!!!!! I think we had about 5 of these things happen yesterday. Did you forget about hallistasis? The inability to get oneself to class because the hall class is where some spend the bulk of their two hour class time. There is also another strain of this ailment, though not as common, esp. in the the warmer months, "stayincarsis". The people who leave after Sacrament meeting, only to wait in their car for the next two hours until their children/spouse, etc. are finished. At least if you go to RS, you might be privy to a little RSVD! There is also the GEMoveonitis. We have a fabulous Gospel Essentials teacher, but the problem is, 90% of the people who attend there, don't belong there. Someone forgot to mention the class is for investigators, and new members. Hello, been a member for more than a year???? Gospel Doctrine is across the hall! Please move on and you might actually learn something you didn't know! Plus, we have Aborhomomentionis in this class. Every lesson can somehow be tied back to Abortion or Homosexuality as to what ails the world. As Mark mentioned yesterday when someone brought up Prop 8, is "all gospel roads lead back to Prop 8". I guess you had to be there to appreciate it.
Oh my heck(itis),
You are so funny. I'm so glad Tami told me about your blog. I read it often but I just couldn't not comment on this one! I am at work and can't stop laughing chuckling. Actually, you made my day!!!
I'm trying to decide which I liked the best...Nodding Narcolepsy or Organitis!!!! Great post!!!!
And you too Charlie!!!!
You totally Slay me! I've been a lurker for awhile now, but this was way too funny. You said everything I always think, but am too afraid to say! (and these comments are a scream too!)
As always, you're hilarious. People that get to attend church with you are so lucky. Talk about comic relief? Where were you on Sunday during my lesson when I needed you? People can't take a joke!
Amen to Bread Breath! Blek.
FOTFL! Girl you are too funny. I can't stand RSVD. Talk about TMI. :)
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