It all started with Chaim Potok. First "The Chosen," then "My Name is Asher Lev." When I got a little smarter, I read Isaac Bashevis Singer. Now that I'm a little dumber, it's "Ladies Auxiliary" by Tova Mirvis. When I'm feeling edgy, I pick up "Lost Tribe: Jewish Fiction from the Edge" by Zakrzewski.
I'm a Latter-day Jew. A MorJew. A confused Mormon housewife who respectfully identifies with Jewish culture while conveniently pilfering their traditions and incorporating them.
I desperately want a Mezuzah. My parents have one. Sometimes we touch it when we go in through their front door. Would it be so wrong for me to get one?
I light my menorah during the holiday season. I even have special blue and white candles. I'd decorate my whole house in blue and white if I could. So refreshing. We have a little dreidel, but it's not made out of clay. We play with it during FHE. Is that so wrong?
Sometimes I try to sing the Sabbath prayer from Fiddler during Sunday dinner. I especially like it when there are candles to wave my hands over. Somehow it seems more appropriate than a blessing. May the Lord protect and defend you.... Everyone gets mad and tells me to cut it out. I'm going to wear a veil next time. That'll show em.
One tradition that I've successfully incorporated is the notion of Sabbath being from sun up to sun down. We wait patiently all day to use our electronics when the sun goes down. I haven't yet used the sunset excuse to go to the grocery store, but it's coming. Tradition.
Speaking of grocery stores, what I really want more than anything is a Sabbath goy. A person who will break all of the Sabbath rules for me if I need to. I'll leave bills on the table so I won't have to pay him. Really, such a useful convenience, a goy. Keep the commandments AND get take out. Cake and eat it too.
There's one Jewish law that's really holding me back though. Kashrut. Keeping kosher. Allow me to demonstrate:
Crab is definitely not kosher. No bottom dwellers or shellfish for any MorJew trying to keep kosher. Can I live without shrimp cocktail? Cracked crab? I think not.
Kosher just says no to ham sandwiches. Jessica and I say yes to ham sandwiches. Latter-day Jews love their pork products.
Marshmallow sandwiches. Marshmallows are generally made with gelatin (pig toenails) which isn't kosher, BUT you can buy marshmallows made with fish gelatin. Yummy. Bring on the fishy marshmallow sandwiches.
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31 comments:
I'm not quite as Jewish as you...1/4 vs. 1/2. But I totally identify with our people, always have. I am officially inviting you and good time charlie and families to celebrate Hanukkah with us this year. It's my kids favorite Christmas tradition!
Loved this because I can relate. Oh, and I have a mehzuzah and more!!
You didn't mention bacon, everything is better with bacon. sigh.
I feel totally deprived of our jewish ancestry. I want jewish culture and tradition, but I don't want to be one of those mean jewish girls. I got the nose, why not get the cool traditions?
The only extra holiday we get is lame pioneer day. Boo.
I've got less than you, Jeni, but I'm still in for the Hanukkah. We can sing Follow the Prophet and dance the Horah.
Nor, you did get the nose. It looks good on you.
And we always save a place for Elijah (or at least when Nate doesn't show up).
Does Lucinda still comment? She's gonna love this.
I, however, could have done without the unflattering photo. At 7.5 months pregnant, with number 5, I am clinging desperately to attractive photos that come up on my screensaver, reminding me that I once had cheekbones and legs without roadmap veins.
Have you read Sotah? One of my favorites!
Sorry Jessica. It was a moment of weakness. I can totally see your cheekbones in that picture.
Going to find out who or what Sotah is.
I feel I must be part Jewish having grown up on the east coast and learning the dreidel song in school. Half days of school during Hannukah rocked, too.
Jessica, you always look cute. Stop whining.
I have a mehzuzah... actually I think I have two. Want one?
Fishy marshmallows?? Ew!
I went to Hebrew school when I was a kid. My girlfriend was preparing for her batmitzvah. I still remember prayers and part of my Torah portion. I never could bring myself to kiss the Torah at Saturday school. My mom called me her little Jewish Mormon girl. Shalom.
A mezuzah! I've always wanted one of those, too! Though I have no Jewish blood (maybe you could adopt me into your 'tribe'), my brother says I must be Jewish because I'm so good at taking my children on 'guilt trips'. Ask your bishop about the mezuzah and let me know what he says.
All my neighbors are Jewish and many of them serve crab legs and shrimp cocktail at parties...so I think you would fit right in.
I agree "Sotah" is an excellent read. Jewish culture is fascinating...why don't you come out to celebrate Rosh Hashannah with me?
Oh, my goodness!!! I loved this post so much! I can't stop laughing!! I know I have told you before that I am 100% Russian Jew. My birth mother 100% was 100% Jewish (she died) and my Dad is 100% Jewish. I did get the Jewish nose...and Nor your nose looks fabulous. My Dad and step-mom joined the church when I was 6. This post seriously could not be more brilliant. I am honestly laughing so hard.
Did I mention that my Dad wished we could have a chuppah in the temple on my wedding day?
Oh, and Jessica...you and your cheekbones are beautiful. I can still see your fabulous bone structure.
I think I added one too many 100%'s in my comment.
I dreamed about this post.
It's totally okay to have a mezzuzah, all it is is a blessing upon you and your home.
AND...Gelatin is made of pork hoofs? Then we absolutely cannot be Orthodox Kosher Morjews.
Jello is the quintessential mormon food.
On second thought, maybe we can be.
I'm 1/8 Jew and very interested in the culture.
I loved "ladies auxilary" and made my ward book club read it (years ago) and it offended one of the new converts in our ward she took over the review and with angry tears she railed against Mormon women. She wasn't Jewish and I wanted to leave the bookclub for 2 days after that. But I love the book.
My name is Asher Lev changed me so much that I went on to read several more Chaim Potok books, then couldn't stop, so I went and married me a bona fide Jewish Man and made him a Mormon. Now I have the best of both worlds! I too love Jewish culture. I still have the glass that Mark stepped on at our wedding and I got to be hoisted up in a chair for the traditional chair dance at my reception, and we did the Hava Nagila! Have I made you jealous? Next time Fran the Jewish Mother-in-law comes for a visit, I will share her with you and then you too can have the full experience of being adopted Jewish, complete with Jewish Mother-in-law. If you are really good, she might even take you shopping to TJ Maxx and buy you some nice jewelery!
Oh, and I would love to have Channukah with Jenni! I am with Emeril, Pork fat rules, and I love Cheeseburgers too much to give them up permanently. I would make a terrible Strict Jew, I could never figure out how to keep all my dairy and meat separate, plus, I would have a reallllllyyyy hard time not eating anything leaven during Passover. Mark seems to not find this a problem, but Matzo really only tastes good if it is completely covered in chocolate!
So, are you in the middle of a bloggy re-do? And if so, need help? And, hmmm, pork is yummy. AND, I'll be your Sabbath goy.
I loved "The Chosen" and "The Promise" but I read them so long ago... maybe I will go back and read them again and through some Asher Lev in the mix.
What is a marshmellow sandwich? It is like a s'more... because if it is who cares if it has fish gelatin... just cover it in chocolate and we are good to go!!
I've always wanted to be Jewish, too. Except for the bacon and ham. Don't think I could do it.
i like the new layout. very chic. i may consult you.
and i'm sorry, did you ask me NOT to call you crazy? yeah, bummer, cuz, um, you are.
and i love how gab's jewish neighbors serve shrimp cocktail. it's sort of like going over to that mormon's house who offers you a beer.
L' Chaim. I think you should put songs on your site. I'd like to suggest "Matchmaker, matchmaker" and "If I were a rich man" to start.
My grandparents served their mission in Israel, and came home with all things Jewish. It was pretty cool. They also had a mezuzah, and I always wanted one.
Motherboard, I want your extra mezuzah and Liz, I don't know that my bishop would know what one is. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?
Lauren, we're all slightly jealous of your heritage. How do you celebrate it?
Gab, I'll be there for RH. Do I get to miss school?
Robin, I knew you liked Ladies Auxiliary because it is on your sidebar. I saw it there when I first read you and I knew we'd be friends.
Charlie, this one's also for you.
MomBabe, Paige deleted my background because people were having trouble downloading my blog. She wasn't invited.
Amanda K, a marshmallow sandwich is two cookies with marshmallow in between. Delish.
Celia
Oh, I do love a good Celia read. If you don't go to Gab's you can come here! We have RH AND Yom Kippur off from school.
You boring? NEVER!
I read this and totally started laughing. I am convinced that our entire RS presidency (and their clique) are MorJews. All they talk about in their lessons is Judaism. Maybe I was in Primary for too long...maybe things changed.
Don't forget your BFF: Dr. Laura!
Oh, I'm laughing. I must admit I've never heard of a MorJew, but this post is great! You make me laugh. I'll have to visit here more often.
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