How's My Talk?
A speakers guide to Sunday meeting body language.
Speaker, thank you for memorizing this guide. Please make a note of certain postures and adjust your talk accordingly.
This is typical Sacrament meeting posture. This pose occurs before the speaker has opened his mouth or if someone's loved one is speaking.
Speaker says: "I was assigned this conference address and it is so good I'm going to read it verbatim."
Congregation feels: Bored already.
Speaker says: "I'd like to mention Celia Fae and her terrific acts of service and how she singlehandedly brought me back to church, ministered to my children, and solved the world's problems."
Congregation feels: Touched.
Congregation feels: Surprise.
Congregation feels: Shock.
Speaker says: "There is a song I know that really illustrates the principle of which I speak. I brought my guitar so I could play it for you right now."
Congregation feels: Concern.
Speaker said: "Well, this is our last Sunday in this ward, and I'd like you to know that we've never been in a ward with more problems than this one. I hope we find a less dysfunctional ward family next time."
Congregation feels: Angry.
Speaker said: "I want to tell you about the church's 12 step program. I'm currently trying to quit smoking, and it has really helped."
Congregation feels: Embarrassed.
Speaker says: "I hate speaking and I really didn't want to speak today."
Congregation feels: Insulted and free to play with electronic devices.
Speaker says: "Blah blah blah."
Congregation feels: Overwhelmed by their children. Or maybe that's just me.
Speaker says: "The principle of ____________ is true and I'm going to back it up with a scripture and a personal story."
Congregation feels: Like it wants to barf. Nothing personal, your talk is great, but some of the women have morning sickness.
Speaker says: "Well, I know I only have a few more minutes but I found this (super long) story on the internet and I wanted to read it to you."
Congregation feels: Hostile and annoyed. Please save it for next time.
Congregation feels: Like rejoicing in song.
Posts
28 comments:
A question and a statement- Who's the photographer? and You've got guts!
You're more attentive than I am. Since Paige taught me the naughty pinch that is all I do in Sacrament meeting.
Are you wearing a baby bloom? Where's the part where you depart for the hall because it's more fun out there?
You're such a nut! *dies laughing*
You forgot this one.... Speaker says: "My New Year's resolution is to share my testimony every month this year." Congregation says: "Shoot me now."
Love the bloom in your hair! ;)
I HATE when speakers go over time. It is just so annoying and I feel like they are just caught up in their self-rightousness.
oh, I love your church edition blog postings. I might have to make a little flip book of this to share with my YW in the ward. Very helpful, that.
You are a naughty naughty cutter. I am telling your bishop.
Call Sheri Dew. You need a book deal with Deseret Book.
Also start touring with Hilary Weeks on the Time Out for Women circuit.
I'm serious!
Brilliant...
I have the, "Overwhelmed by their children." look down to a science.
I love what Gab said. Sheri Dew will want to sign you immediately.
That would've been helpful yesterday. It was rough.
So funny!
My favorite one was the first one. Great post!
when people go over their allotted time, i get all psycho. i make a big production of packing up my stuff (we sit in the front row), sighing dramatically, and making a grand departure. i turn into a mormon bitch. my bishop loves it. it sends a clear message to the speaker that he himself is unwilling to send. we have an arrangement.
on another note, a kid puked behind me yesterday choking on his cheesy crackers. it was awkward for the whole congregation... to stare or not to stare?
The effort you put into our reading enjoyment makes me feel like rejoicing in song.
And what about staring at the floor? This is what I do whenever the musical number is really not so good.
What about bending over upside down half the time so you can pick up cheerios, goldfish, crayons, etc, off the floor before someone steps on them.
Those pictures are great! All the awkward things people do is a perfect description of my ward.
I am most familiar with the heads go down, focusing on the electronic devices. We fight over my husband's phone every Sunday. I think by virtue of being me, I should get it. He tries to pretend he needs to check his work emails, but I confiscate it when I see him playing Brick Breaker.
Now you need to do a post about the singing at church. Yesterday the chorister made us sing six verses of a hymn. It's no fair, she has all of the power to keep us singing. Well, I refused to sing after verse four. I have a rebellious heart like that.
Not to be vain, but I can only imagine your stern face and pointed finger was a very nice interpretation me and my family at church yesterday (although I’m sure I looked a lot meaner). So sorry you had to sit behind us. Next time we'll sit in the way back...
Um....I spoke in church yesterday. Was I the inspiriation for this post?
i did not sing,
i did not cry
i stuck to the topic
though i know not why
My time was 10 minutes
i took only nine
i got a lot of compliments
i guess i did fine
No 12 step program
did i talk about
i stuck to the Gospel
i'm so devout
A personal story?
I told one or two
people expect them...
what's a girl to do?
you must have heard of our ward
and our major dysfunction
without all the wackos
my sunday would malfunction!
On talk on my birthday?
Anything for a friend
i should have mentioned you
so sorry if i did offend!
A heathen you are...
Secret pictures you take
For all the blog world
a great example you make!
i'm definitely in the "overwelmed by their children" category. i don't think i've heard anyone speak for about 3 years. but i'm there...that counts for something, right?
Too funny. I took pics in the chapel yesterday, (a video of my kids singing even-- but before the meeting started.) Is it against the rules? I might blog it this week.
Jenibelle's Poem Kicks hiney and I like Andrea's approach to the time crunch. My kids can "do" 1hour10. 1hour11+ is torture for us all.
Oh my.... it is SO true. I loved it. It was freakin' hilarious! Thanks for a much needed smile!
Celia, long time no comment from me, but thanks for the laugh this morning. You are hysterical!
Are adults allowed to wear blooms? I've always kind of wanted to.
Could you be any funnier?! Thanks for saying what no one else will!☺ I think you are great for it!
You are my hero! :) I haven't read anyone's blogs in a while... I really missed the hilarity! Thanks for the fabulous reminder of what I've been missing!
I'm still laughing about this the next day! I think I love the "touched" one the best! And I was laughing SO hard at Jenibelle's poem. Too funny.
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