Famous Mormon First Ward, Part Deux

Today the stake in which I live was reorganized. They failed to ask me my opinion about the way things should be managed, so I feel I must put my exceptional talents back into the Famous Mormon First Ward. The skeleton leadership can be found here.

Many people left comments in the Famous Mormon First Ward post suggesting different callings for people. I used them, except for the ones I couldn't verify. Thanks to everyone. Obviously the women of the church are an untapped wealth of leadership ideas.

Mitt Romney for Stake Pres, which is so obvious it's not funny.

In case you can't tell, the man on the right is Michael Ballam. I hope most of you can picture him when he was younger and better looking. Ballam is going to serve in the bishopric as the counselor over the youth. Scared straight.

Gladys Knight as choir director. Have you seen Saints Unified Voices? It's her choral group. I haven't. They came to town but in order to go to the concert you had to bring a nonmember and I couldn't find any. I can't wait to be in Gladys' ward choir.

Aaron Eckhart is young and hot but not so sure about living the standards of the gospel. We hope he can fulfill his home teaching calling.

I can't remember the jetBlue guy's name, but his planes have tv's so we are going to assign him a job in the ward library. He can be in charge of the audio visual stuff. Maybe he could even run the satellite during conference!

Billy Barty is no longer with us. It is unfortunate that he died because we still can't find any of the keys to the building that he used to oversee.

The Aquabats have at least one LDS group member who will be perfect for Primary Singing Time. He will be required to wear his blue suit while fulfilling his calling for the amusement of the presidency.

My mom loves Anne Perry, a writer of mysteries from England. Anne has a special job in our ward. She is going to be a Personal Progress advisor and hopefully she can solve the mystery of the whereabouts of the girls books. After she succeeds, she'll be assigned to locating the boy's Duty to God books. I wish her luck.




Ah, the beautiful inactive members of our ward. They aren't ready for callings, but they need visiting teachers and home teachers.

Sheri Dew is going to visit teach Katherine and Amy. She can relate to them as a single successful woman. I think it will be a mutually beneficial relationship. I won't say anything snarky about fashion or man snagging for fear of offending those Dewey's who are reading.

Gordon Jump and Kip Dynamite are going to be home teachers to Katherine and Amy. Normally two elders would be assigned, but nobody thinks that is a good idea in this case. Especially the wives of elders. Gordon is eligible due to his age, and Kip is a good choice because he is so dorky. They'd never take him seriously.

I've had many requests for Brooke White. I've decided to assign her as the RS pianist. You just never know when someone is going to be a flash in the pan.

We need a ward clerk, and I choose Jon Heder. As someone said, he could walk up and down the rows with his mouth hanging open while he counts the people. Maybe he could even make some drawings. I hope he wears an acrylic sweater over his shirt and tie.

Before anyone corrects me, I know Larry King isn't a Mo, but he goes to church so he gets a calling. I say we put him on the scout committee. It meets late at night and Larry is already a night owl. Also, Larry can be long winded like the rest of the committee members so he should fit right in.

Brandon Flowers of the Killers can be Steve Young's counselor in Young Mens. He can show the young men how to be cool and still live gospel standards. Plus, we need someone to balance out the sportiness of Steve with musical talent. My son Max is going to love him.

I worry about having Julianne Hough and her brother in the ward together. Are they one of those families who like to scratch and rub each other's backs during sacrament meeting? If so, they are exed because I can't stand that. It's like watching incest in action. No callings for them until I know if they can keep their hands to themselves.


Although it isn't high profile, we need a ward emergency preparedness specialist. I choose Wilford Brimley due to his stint as a spokesman for Quaker Oats. Maybe he can score us some free stuff.

Someone suggested Shannon Hale, author of the Princess Academy series, as a leader for Activity Day girls. Wow. That is inspired. She could run princess training groups. The girls would adore it.

Nobody is going to argue with me when I assign Rulon Jeffs, wrestler, to the 11-year-old Primary class. Especially if they are mostly boys. Those kids are always so naughty in Primary their last year they need someone who can pin them to the ground if needs be.

We're going to assign Ricky Schroeder to be our gospel doctrine teacher. I'm sure female attendance would skyrocket, and the man doesn't even have to prepare anything. He can just stand there and be cute.

Finally, I get to assign the most important calling in the church. Nursery leader. The Eyre's are going to teach HF's future leaders their first formal lessons about the gospel. They will know how to help the children separate from their parents and they will love my Baby Alice.

I'd like to thank (pause and weep) the following individuals for the service they have rendered when helping me with ward organization: Holly, Jessica, Ilene, Wendy, Linsey, Christie, Ashli S, Annemarie, AZ Karen, Andrea, Gab, Annie, Anne, Jenibelle, Shally, Denae, Diane, Paige, and Chrissy, Blue, and Ashley Carter. I couldn't have done it without them.