Those Clouds All Disappear

Angie and her dog Larry the Pug.

My name is Celia and I have house cleaners. Although I don't live in a particularly wealthy area, having house cleaners is de rigeur around here. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one of my peers who doesn't have a house cleaner. I don't know why this is but I'm glad about it. Judge me, call me lazy, just don't make me quit.

My mom had someone come in when I was a child. I remember Beryl Who Talked to Much, Mary Who Had Marital Problems, Priscilla Who Followed My Mother and Her Friends Across the Bay and Eventually Joined the Church, and Letitia Who Knows Priscilla and Still Works for My Mom.

When I got married I was entirely without house cleaning skills, but as it turns out they can be learned, and learn them I did. Unfortunately for my husband, my tolerance level for dirt is much higher than his so he would eventually get disgusted and clean stuff himself. We agreed shortly into our marriage that we would have cleaners if his income hit a certain amount, and I held him to it. Angie has been cleaning my house for seven years.

Angie and her half-sister Cindy come every week. Twice a month they do the whole house and the other weeks they do the bathrooms and kitchen. Angie is my friend and also my neighbor. I like having two people come because they go extra fast, and I like having someone I trust because then she can have her own house key for the times when I am gone.

People think that having cleaners is luxurious, and don't get me wrong. When they leave a clean house behind I am so happy my eyes sometimes water. However, there is certain etiquette involved with having house cleaners. Since I want all of you to be able to partake, here is my handy guide:

• Treat the house cleaners like normal people, not like servants. They don't usually like the word "maid" unless you live in Venezuela or Nepal, and then you can call them whatever you want because they live at your house. Jealous. Make your kids say hello and make sure to thank them when they leave.
• Pick everything up. All horizontal surfaces clear. If cleaners are forced to clean up your kid's Lego, they will either charge you extra or feel bitter. These are people who know your innermost dirt. Keep them happy.
• Be ready. This can be a challenge if they come early in the morning, but you have to do it. At least have one area ready for them to work in and then quickly clean ahead of them. Try not to schedule them for 7:30 Monday morning like my crazy friend Coreen. You'll be sorry.
• Have their money. Most cleaners like cash (no comment). Try not to postpone payment even though it is a drag to go to the ATM in your pajamas before school.
• Don't cancel. It screws up their whole day and they are counting on your money. Sick kids are not grounds for cancellation. I have wanted to cancel many times because getting ready is stressful, but the only time I allow myself is when actual vomit is spewing forth from my mouth. The rest of the time I deal.
• During school breaks, get the family out of there as soon as you can. You aren't going to want your kids to ever return home anyway because they will mess up your divine cleanliness. BTW, I suggest cleaners night is pizza night. It keeps the beauty alive longer.

Now you are ready. Ask around to find your own house cleaner and rejoice in a clean toilet you didn't have to touch.