Mark Maher, DDS at the open house for his new dental practice. Accompanied by his lovely wife, my sister Ellie.
1855 San Miguel Drive #1
Walnut Creek, CA 94596
925-935-1159
Dear Uncle Mark,
Congratulations on opening your new dental practice. I've had more dental work in my eleven years than most people have their whole lives. Have you been reading up on dental treatments for cleft palate kids? I hope you have because my parents are ready to give their money to you. When you're done with me you can buy your dream double-wide in Truckee.
Love,
Claire the Cash Cow
Dear Brother-in-Law Mark,
You aren't going to make much off of me. I have the best teeth in my family. I floss so much that my current dentist has told me to lay off. The best way to get some extra dough is to sell me some tooth whitening services. My son uses a yellow crayon when he draws my teeth. Does insurance cover bleach trays? No? Could I make the bleach myself with a little Clorox? Please give me free advice.
Love,
Carl the Clean
Once when I was three I got so freaked out by numerous fillings that my mom ended up paying a large sum of money to a pediatric anesthesiologist so he could knock me out. I'm sure the dentist skimmed some off the top. Aren't you sad you missed that chapter in my dental history? Let's make a deal. I'll scream and shout during a procedure. You tell my mom that she'll have to give me a really good prize to make me shut up. Then I will share the prize with your kid Griffin. We all win. Sound good?
Love,
Henry the Hysterical.
Dear Uncle Mark,
I brush every day. I hold the toothbrush myself and scream when people try to help me. I'm sure I'm doing a very good job and I will have many cavities when I finally go to the dentist. You are welcome for helping your career and your wallet.
Love,
Alice the (not) Angel
I'm sorry my orthodontia is over. I will try to forget wearing my retainers so that my teeth get crooked again. Then you can practice orthodontics on me. Make sure to charge my parents extra and give me a cut because I desperately need cash.
Love,
Max the Mindless
Dear Mark,
It is all my fault. I have horrible teeth and I have successfully passed that trait down to my children. My loss is your gain, eh? How's about a family discount?
I will require laughing gas before any procedure you do. I have to make going to the dentist worth my while. I'd like it if you let me control the flow so I can get the maximum buzz. I should probably wear Depends in case I get too relaxed.
Love,
Celia the Scaredy Cat
I love candy. Candy loves my teeth. You love candy. Got it?
Love,
Fiona the Fearful
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17 comments:
oh you are on a roll lately. very nice.
1. why is henry wearing lipstick?
2. why the guest appearance from a solitary niece? don't paige's other kids have teeth too?
3. why do all kids these days get yellow grown-up teeth? no one i knew growing up had their big teeth come in yellow. why don't they ever start off white anymore??
i don't get it.
4. be nice to big C. think ecru, not yellow. it's softer to the ego.
I am completely jealous that you have a dentist in the family.
I'm with you on the laughing gas. Sounds like Mark will be rolling in the dough soon.
It's too bad we don't live closer to him. I have horrible teeth. Maybe he'll give me a sisterly discount on my next crown. I love your nicknames for everyone. Very clever.
This was hilarious. Carl's was the beat, and Alice's bc Charlie does the same thing. Their teeth don't really need brushing, right? A wise friend of mine once observed that sadly, for the busy mom, a child-free dental appt feels like a vacation. Uncle Mark is your new cruise director. Bon voyage.
Carl's was the best. The best.
I am grinning.
I want my kid to be a Dr. Dermatologist or Plastic Surgeon are my preferences. He doesn't want to go school for that long. Maybe he'll change his mind on his mission. Mama needs some work done.
Carl's are like little pearls of perfection.
The rest of you?
Start making appointments.
Mark said I get to be his invisalign guinea pig!
Fifi is pictured because she is addicted to candy, moreso than any child you've ever met or will meet. If she could trade her family for candy she would do it without blinking an eye.
Dear Celia,
Doesn't Carl have gas? I'm sure he can provide...
Thanks for driving out, it felt like a wedding reception except being in the receiving line the WHOLE time.
I appreciated the mouth preview. And to reply to another comment, baby teeth are always white and chalky appearing compared to adult ones so it does look a bit weird during the mixed phase, but natural.
I just get the gassy stuff and pay for it... wonder if dental insurance will ever enter the 21st century? *sighs
You are so funny, Celia!
"My son uses a yellow crayon when he draws my teeth". Ahhhh such hilarity!
I was gonna post about our dental visit, too. I like the look of Mark's bright and cheery office better than our dentist's. Think 1972 wallpaper.
Oh you fun friend, you never fail me! I come here for high comedy and a dose of Real Life Motherhood...and you deliver every time.
Have I ever told you I taught middle school @ Los Cerros in '96-'97? Loved it.
Oh how I wanted to be there! Having known Mark since he was about nine, it is especially nice to see him realizing his dream. Mark and Ellie...what a pair. And of course their yummy children.
Now about the family mouths...much work to be done and there better be insurance! After all the poor guy has to pay the bills!
Mark HAS NO GAS. He ordered it just for our family, you are welcome!
If I was Uncle Mark's patient, He could pay off his new practice and buy a triple-wide in one year.
I can't do the gas...it makes me think my hands are floating upside down over my head. Freaky.
Favorite post of the weekend!
I made my anti-dentite toffee today. I'll send some to his office!
hilarious tour of the mouths. I would love a dentist in the family. My sister married a financial guy instead.
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