Heavy Petting

• Pets aren't required until a child is old enough to go to school. It doesn't matter if they don't ever play with the pet, the idea is enough. Imaginary pets don't count, and neither do pets belonging to relatives. If there is no pet in a child's home, he or she will have nothing to write about and will flunk first grade, which leads to a lifetime of poverty and crime.
• Having a pet forces families to go to the pet store. If there are pets there, it counts as going to the zoo. Think of all the money saved in gas and admission!
• When a pet gets lost, parents and children can do a craft together. They can make posters asking for the return of the pet. Poster making is a useful skill. It is necessary for losing school elections.
• Pets are handy when kids are sad. They listen carefully and they don't talk back. When a child is trying to emote but is doing so unsuccessfully (yelling), suggest they practice with the pet.
• Pets enable adults to do things they never though possible, like administer drops to vermin or get rid of fleas. I understand some dogs require their anal glands to be cleaned. I'm sure pet owners never imagined that they would have that particular skill.
• Veterinarians need the support of pet owners everywhere in order to live. It costs over $100 dollars just to make a pet die. Unless a gun or a car is used. Then it is free, but the years of therapy are going to cost you.
• Pets can be blamed for a multitude of sins. Spilled water, scratched furniture and smelly bedrooms can all be blamed on a pet.
• Neighborhood children need other people's pets so they can earn money. Pet sitting can be a child's first job. Always tempt the sitter with money and offer bonuses if the pet manages to stay alive and there isn't any poop in your house.
• Pets can prevent visitors. I find that snakes and cats are especially useful preventative pets. Henry used to have a friend who was terrified of snakes and never wanted to come over, which was fine with me. A number of people are allergic to cats and will not enter my home without a benadryl. I find the benadryl makes for a very relaxed guest.
• People have strong feelings about pets, so it is fun to find out what the feelings are and then tease people. For instance, I know a couple named Karen and Mark. They hate cats. I told them my cats were named after them, Karen and Mark. They were not amused and I still think it is funny. Pets help cement relationships.
• Pets die and then children can have a pet funeral. Some of my fondest memories are the burials of Ashes, Patches and Harriet. Harriet the Hamster died of old age, Patches died because my parents made me keep him in the garage and he froze to death, and Ashes the cat died while getting spayed. Actually, Ashes was brain damaged from the anesthesia so my mom made them euthanize her. She didn't want to pay for the cat nursing facility.
• After a pet funeral, you'll have a pet cemetery. A pet cemetery is very impressive to show to children. Make sure to mark the grave. If a child is especially brave, he can dig around and see if there are any bones present. This should take hours, thus freeing the parent to do other things. Like blog.>